1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Nope. No way. Nuh-uh.
2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
This isn't a proper question.
3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
I'm not sure. Do you mean from the perspective of standing near the bed and looking at it, or the perspective of lying in bed and looking at my feet?
4. Do you masturbate?
No, but I am still a part of the 99+% of men who touch themselves. (Even when it's unintentional. I can't help it that my thighs are big enough to touch when I'm standing.)
5. How often? Lately?
I touched myself this morning in the shower. I put shampoo in my hand and then rubbed it into my hair, and then I touched myself through a shower puff as I applied bath gel foam to myself. Hawt?
6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Yep. A $20 bill fell into my pants and I didn't initially notice when I was pulling them on.
7. Do you prefer showers or baths?
I lost all the drain plugs for my bathtubs, so I really can't take a bath anymore.
8. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
No. I think it has something to do with my touching myself.
9. Do you watch/read pornography?
Only when someone tricks me into it.
10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Being passive-aggressive is annoying, but I don't think it's proper cause for bed confinement.
11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
The person I love isn't on LJ.
12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
...I thought this was about sex? Man, half the questions on here haven't been.
Anyway, I don't know that the answer is definitely yes, so to be safe, I'll say no.
13. Would you choose love or money?
14. Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
I don't sleep with garden hoses.
15. Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
Hey, as long as they aren't hurting anyone, I don't care what anyone I know does.
16. Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
I've never been to Italy.
17. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
I don't think such a place exists. In a weird place I'd be too tickled by the weirdness to ever think about sex.
18. Have you ever been caught having sex?
Nope. Most people know to stay far enough away from me both for avoiding sex with me AND avoiding encountering any evidence that sex involving me is in progress.
19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
I think so. Home Depot has a large selection of strippers; do they count?
20. Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
You can get sex at bars? News to me. I thought you went just to get drunk and to blow your eardrums out.
21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
...no, and now I want to go to bars and clubs even less. Keep it in your pants, mook.
22. Ever been picked up in a bar?
Nope, though some have tried. I'm too heavy.
23. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
Come to think of it, I don't think I have. I think he saves his kisses for other guys, unfortunately.
24. What's your sexuality?
25. Had sex in a movie theater?
No. Movies make me puke, and puking tends to turn people off.
26. Had sex in a bathroom?
No. All the bathrooms I've been in cannot accommodate more than me.
27. Have you ever had sex at work?
No. Among other things, there is a distinct lack of females on my floor.
28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
Yes, I've been to the health food store.
29. Bought something from an adult store?
Yep. Came back with a nice bag of maple sugar! Yom.
30. Do you own any sex toys?
Yep. I own a computer and a TV, and goodness knows the amount of sex you can observe on both.
31. If yes, how many and what are they?
32. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
Uh, this is two questions, right?
I have no idea and no. I'm too ugly to be in movies and films, and I tend not to misbehave when others have cameras out, but I cannot rule out the possibility that someone has caught me in the midst of making fun of others.
33. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
34. Have you ever had phonesex?
Uh, no, and I don't want to think about inserting phones into body orifices, thanks.
35. Have you ever had cybersex?
If I don't want to stick a phone into a body orifice, why the heck would I want to stick a computer into one?
36. Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse?
I didn't know oral sex came as a powder.
37. What's your favorite sexual position?
Insufficient data to render an opinion.
38. What's your favorite sex act?
Sex, I guess? Is there more than one?
39. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
I'm still working on the one person part!
40. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
Nobody, but probably because they have more important stuff to do with their lives than make fun of stupid surveys.